Top Ten ass rape candidates

SAN DIEGO – A pal of mine got picked up on the run from the law a few days ago. He was facing some serious time so a little over a month ago he skipped town a few days before his court date, bouncing on a big bail ticket and leaving behind a mess. Not saying I wouldn’t have gone on the lam myself. I probably would have. But I like to think I’d have planned it better.

Anyhow, they overtook him down in Mexico. So now he’s fucked. Added to what he was looking at in the first place, he’s got international flight to avoid confinement and whatever else they want to hit him with. He’s 49 right now. If he ever gets out he’ll be a million. But he won’t ever get out. It’s a damn tragedy.

And adding to the tragedy is the fact that my friend is both old and not connected with any organized criminal enterprise, meaning that inside he’s too ugly to be a vendor and too poor to be a consumer. We’re talking about sex here, people. Yes it happens in custody. Happens all the time, as a matter of fact. And so my friend’s dilemma got me to pondering and I decided to come up with a list of the 10 men with whom an otherwise mostly straight man would be content to share a cell. Not to put too fine a point on it, what follows is a list of the men with whom I’d be happiest if I had to blast them in the love pucker.

So, without further ado . . .

Top ten men I’d bugger in prison

10. Johnny Weir – This one isn’t really fair. Prison shmison; I’d probably bone Johnny Weir at a Steelers Game. I mean seriously. Look at him. I’ve nailed uglier women, that’s for sure. And don’t make it like I’m gross. There are certain feminine signals that are universally attractive in our species and, arguably, throughout the mammalian class. Johnny Weir exhibits them in such abundance that pretty much the only thing a common man would have to do would be not reach around. That’s not hard. I’m not concerned with my partner’s pleasure in the first place.

9. Zac Efron – If this were a throat rape list, Efron would rank much higher. But it’s not. The problem with Zac Efron is that he’s a young hardbody and though virtually hairless, I wonder if his flesh would yield like a girl’s under a tight grip. I doubt it. Still, if I found myself doing hard time with Zac Efron as a cellmate, he’d find himself walking bow-legged. Zac Efron’s actually almost too pretty to be a guy in the first place, not unlike the young Rob Lowe, who, incidentally, would have made a fine cellmate in his day.

8. George Stephanopoulos – O.k. he’s getting on in years. Granted. But he’s also a) a midget and b) totally accustomed to being a bitch. Georgie’s still a pretty boy after all these years. In 2001 Stephanopoulos married Alexandra Wentworth who, one imagines, is a lucky fag hag. I doubt there’s much carnal action going on in that bedroom, but I’m sure the drapes are fabulous. I’m not totally proud to admit it, but in a custodial circumstance, I’d have to tap him.

7. Kato Kaelin – I confess this one’s a bit of a stretch. Like Kato Kaelin would ever commit any act of his own volition that could land him in prison. He might get talked into something bad by the tough guys on the block, but he’d be let go on the grounds of utter incompetence. And Kato is also getting a bit long in the tooth. Still, he’s aging well. Kind of like Kim Basinger’s elbow. I know it’s nasty. I’m sorry. If I were locked up I’d prefer it to be with Kim Basinger’s elbow. However, that won’t happen. So I’m just saying, if Kato Kaelin ends up in a cell in which I’m stuck for the duration, he’s chewing pillow.

6. Jaye Davidson – As with Johnny Weir, this one’s really not fair. I saw the Crying Game and even after the camera panned down to Davidson’s mangina I kept thinking, “So what? I’d fuck it.” There are some truly pretty people in the world and Jaye Davidson’s one of them. Ordinarily speaking I’d rather go up in something without hangers. But that’s ordinarily speaking. Not all times are ordinary times. There’s nothing ordinary about being confined and if I had to be confined I’d sure like it to be with something like Jaye Davidson.

5. Edward Furlong – The first time I saw Edward Furlong I thought it was K.D. Lang. Now before you point it out, yes I’m aware that he has let himself go recently. Rumor has it he now looks more like Rosie O’Donnell. But that’s not really a problem because locked in a cell with him, I’d take his tray anyway. I’d let him have the boiled greens. That’s about it. If he pleased me like he should, I’d give him a sandwich on Sundays. Furlong starred in Animal Factory as a teenage inmate who only avoided being pragged out in stir by befriending a tough-guy character played by Willem Dafoe. Dafoe’s character did not try to go up in the youngster and that made the film totally unbelievable.

4. Johnny Depp – Truth be told, I’d ass rape Johnny Depp just for being Johnny Depp. He’s a talented man, by all accounts an intelligent man, a nice man, a civic-minded, socially-conscious man, a charming man, an unassuming man, a decent man and an unnaturally handsome man. He’s also presently fucking Vanessa Paradis. God do I hate Johnny Depp. But hate him or not, if I had to room with him for five to seven years, I’d consider myself lucky. He might feel otherwise.

3. Jude Law – The problem with Jude Law is that he’s a big, strapping grown man and there’s no guarantee he’d just take a backdoor session without fighting back. So I’d have to have a shiv at the ready and forever after I’d be sleeping with one eye open. Despite all that, I’m fairly convinced I’d have to bugger Jude Law in prison. I wish that weren’t the case because I get the impression that I’d quite like Jude Law. I bet on the outside we’d make fine friends. I can overlook the fact that he’s English if he’ll forgive me being a crass, pompous, self-centered dick.

2. Enrique Iglesias – This fucker angers me even more than Johnny Depp. For the past six years Enrique Iglesias has been laying it to Anna Kournikova. I’d tap him just hoping some of her would rub off. I’m glad he had the mole removed. Cindy Crawford with a mole is hot. Some bitch of a celly, not. And despite his storied romance with Kournikova, I’m not all that convinced Iglesias doesn’t know his way around a pecker already. Of course, not all Latin pretty boys are secret bone smugglers . . . well, yeah they are.

1. Sigourney Weaver – For starters, Sigourney Weaver is so hot he has actually been cast in roles as a woman. What’s more, he has awesome structural elements. Striking cheekbones, a proud chin, wonderful shoulders. And look at those hipbones! Imagine holding onto those while you’re pile driving this dude. Sorry . . . that probably sounded gay. Obviously I’d rather tap a chick than Sigourney Weaver. But they don’t stick guys and dolls in prison together. If you go to the big house you’ve got yourself a long stint sans pussy posse and if I have to get stuck in an 8x12 room with a homey, I sure hope he looks like Sigourney Weaver. At six-foot-five, he’s a bit taller than I prefer for a grey bar slut, but you can’t have it all.