Posts
GrandMILFS
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
HOLLYWOOD – Listen to me; banging old chicks is hot. There. I said it and I’m not taking it back. I’ve lived long enough now to know that youth is truly wasted upon the young. Like many another internet junkie I peruse the occasional Hottest-Woman-Alive list, and such lists always consist of girls untouched by time. Sez me, that’s unfair. It’s not right that men get older and play the sexy senior circuit while women, imminently fuckable women, well they just pass into some dimly lit back room where waitresses carry around trays of comforting, calcium-rich hors d’oeuvres and handsome stewards refill mimosas spiked with estrogen poppers.
Mind you it doesn’t matter to me that most men in my bracket are considering hair plugs, paying off sports cars and turning up at bars to hit on girls half their age only to get sent home lighter of wallet and fuller of self-doubt. That just leaves more mature targets from which I can choose. But a bit of advice: Guys, you have grey pubic hair. Leave the adolescents alone. Graze in your own pasture, you jag-offs.
And with that, the Daily Flinch hereby proudly unveils its first weekly top ten list, one that’s near and dear to our hearts, the top ten list of aged honeys with whom we’d pay to take a shower. The criteria for inclusion on the list are very simple: 1) listed babes must be over 50, and 2) we (by which I mean I) must be willing to pop a sizeable amount of cash or non-cash equivalent to take a shower with them. The list could easily be thousands of names long, but we’ve winnowed it down to the ten candidates for a naked shower with whom we’d be willing to lay out the most cash. Here they are in ascending order of shower value.
Top Ten Older Women With Whom We’d Pay to Take a Shower
10. Jamie Lee Curtis – Born to actors Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh in Hollywood on November 22, 1958, Curtis barely makes the minimal age cutoff for this list and we’re sure
glad she does. As the wife of British actor Christopher Guest (Lord Haden-Guest), Curtis is titled Lady Haden-Guest, but she eschews that title for all but the most uppity of British functions. Among Curtis’ best selling points are a great smile, fabulous bone structure and a stunning pair of fake tits. It has been a while since she camped it up in a little black dress for Arnold Schwarzenegger in true Lies, but even today we’d part with an appreciable sum to longingly wash her in a hot shower.
Shower value = two weeks’ pay
9. Barbara Eden – On August 23rd of this year, Jeannie will turn 75. That’s right. We therefo
re include her on this list not without some caveats. First, we’d only pay to shower with her if she can still take a shower standing up. Secondly, there would have to be no urinary issues to muddle the act. Third, we’re well aware that admitting we’d diddle a 75-year-old is admitting to a warped depravity of which we should be ashamed. But we’re not ashamed. We don’t care if Jeannie’s a hundred. She’s hot and we'd go there.
Shower value = one weekend trip to Coral Gables
8. Sophia Loren – We’re pretty sure that on any list of sexy senior trim, Ms. Loren
would rank pretty highly, so her inclusion on this list is no doubt totally predictable. What one might be surprised to learn is that in September of this year she too will turn 75. Yessiree – one of Italy’s most bangable broads of all time will be clocking the three-quarter-century mark soon. And as with Barbara Eden, the editors don’t care how old she is, we’d shell out some major coin to get all sudsy with Sophia Loren.
Shower value = one used Hyundai Sonata
7. Lauren H
utton – At just 65 years of age, the gap-toothed lovely and former supermodel remains as doable as ever. Frankly, we’d hit it like she stole something. Take one smoking hot starlet, add equal parts of liquid soap and hot water, mix, stir and drool. That’s our recipe for a perfect silver cocktail.
Shower value = half of what remains in our battered 401K
6. Candace Bergen – It’s hard to believe this beauty will turn 63 in May, but it’s t
rue. Bergen’s is one of the truly beautiful faces of our time. Not one in a million human beings is born as stunning as she. Adding to that the fact that she’s extremely bright, funny, well adjusted and by all accounts a disarmingly decent person, well, it’s no wonder we’d get up off a bundle of ducats to lather her up. Honestly, as we type we wonder how it is that she’s not number one on this list, but then, there’s some stunning talent ahead of her.
Shower value = one eternal soul (though not our own)
5. Sandy
Duncan – We know what you’re saying, we can hear you: “Dude – I wouldn’t have banged that wall-eyed Texan even before she got old!” Well neither would we, but the thing is, Sandy Duncan has gone and got herself all steamy hot over the decades. Who’d a thunk it? But trust us when we tell you that at 63, Sandy Duncan’s fine. As we say in the suburbs, she’s so fine, she’s PHINE! We’d tap it and so would you and don’t pretend otherwise.
Shower value = second and third born (our own)
4. Morgan Fairchild – Of course Morgan Fairchild is on the list. We didn’t like Friends, but we do remember thinking while our girlfriend was watching it, “Damn I wish you’d go out with your own friends and Chandler’s mom would stop by.” With Morgan Fairchild and a shower, we’d do things they don’t have a name for.
Shower value = one condominium in Santa Monica
3. Debbie Harry – No way in hell we’re the only one’s who rubbed one out more than once
to an image of Blondie. Debbie Harry was and remains unnaturally sexy. If you’re a mammal and you don’t want to fuck Debbie Harry, shoot yourself. Even most straight women would pay a goodly bit to shower with her. She exudes sex and she exudes it from every one of her 63-year-old pores. We don’t really expect that Debbie Harry’s in the market to shower with commoners like us. We imagine she lives in some rock castle in some Mediterranean utopia where glistening, bronze, horse-cocked manservants tend to her like a goddess. But if that’s not the case, we’re available to do her bidding.
Shower value = one arm and one leg
2. Seka – There was a time before the proliferation of consumer video technology when in order to view hard core pornography one had to either turn 18 or procure a passable fake ID, t
hen slip into some vile XXX theater down in the Gaslamp District and sit through many minutes of stupefying acting in order to watch a starlet take a meatsicle from some toad . . . and those were good times. Ah well do we remember the darling Seka and her three-holed capacity to ingest such monstrosities as the late John Holmes’ man hammer. At 54 Seka no longer works in front of the camera and we think that’s a shame. Incidentally, Seka exemplifies something we’ve long wondered about. Why are Muslim jihadists so gung ho about virgins? They die and they get 73 virgins. Why virgins? Who wants to spend eternity with a bevy of chirping little tits who don’t know how to fuck? You’d get a whole lot more suicide bombers willing to strap on a vest if they believed they could spend eternity with just one Seka.
Shower value = one lovingly used soul (our own)
1. Chrissie Hyn
de – If you take her apart, piece by piece, and analyze the constituent bits of this Ohio rocker, Hynde, 58, turns out to be not all that aesthetically pleasing. The truth is that she proves the axiom that the whole is greater – in her case much greater – than the sum of its parts. Chrissie Hynde proves for once and for all that beautiful and sexy aren’t the same thing. For while there are much more beautiful women in the world, there’s nary a one sexier than Chrissie Hynde. The thought of a shower with Chrissie Hynde makes us willing to take back things we didn’t steal. We would not only shower with Chrissie Hynde, we would worship her. And unlike Seka and others on this list, Hynde isn't hanging up her axe any time soon. She continues to perform and record and thank all that’s decent she does because as we drift into the early autumn of our own lives she reminds us that if you’re not getting older, you’re dead. Chrissie Hynde ages like the finest of wines and we’d love to drink from her goblet.
Shower value = all that remains hidden of Bernard Madoff’s billions
* * *
Top ten honorable mentions (age in parentheses): Dianne Keaton (64), Faye Dunaway (68), Joan Collins (75), Cybill Shepherd (59), Raquel Welch (68), Linda Evans (66), Jessica Lange (59), Charo (58), Shirley Jones (75), Madonna (50)
Mind you it doesn’t matter to me that most men in my bracket are considering hair plugs, paying off sports cars and turning up at bars to hit on girls half their age only to get sent home lighter of wallet and fuller of self-doubt. That just leaves more mature targets from which I can choose. But a bit of advice: Guys, you have grey pubic hair. Leave the adolescents alone. Graze in your own pasture, you jag-offs.
And with that, the Daily Flinch hereby proudly unveils its first weekly top ten list, one that’s near and dear to our hearts, the top ten list of aged honeys with whom we’d pay to take a shower. The criteria for inclusion on the list are very simple: 1) listed babes must be over 50, and 2) we (by which I mean I) must be willing to pop a sizeable amount of cash or non-cash equivalent to take a shower with them. The list could easily be thousands of names long, but we’ve winnowed it down to the ten candidates for a naked shower with whom we’d be willing to lay out the most cash. Here they are in ascending order of shower value.
Top Ten Older Women With Whom We’d Pay to Take a Shower
10. Jamie Lee Curtis – Born to actors Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh in Hollywood on November 22, 1958, Curtis barely makes the minimal age cutoff for this list and we’re sure
glad she does. As the wife of British actor Christopher Guest (Lord Haden-Guest), Curtis is titled Lady Haden-Guest, but she eschews that title for all but the most uppity of British functions. Among Curtis’ best selling points are a great smile, fabulous bone structure and a stunning pair of fake tits. It has been a while since she camped it up in a little black dress for Arnold Schwarzenegger in true Lies, but even today we’d part with an appreciable sum to longingly wash her in a hot shower.Shower value = two weeks’ pay
9. Barbara Eden – On August 23rd of this year, Jeannie will turn 75. That’s right. We therefo
re include her on this list not without some caveats. First, we’d only pay to shower with her if she can still take a shower standing up. Secondly, there would have to be no urinary issues to muddle the act. Third, we’re well aware that admitting we’d diddle a 75-year-old is admitting to a warped depravity of which we should be ashamed. But we’re not ashamed. We don’t care if Jeannie’s a hundred. She’s hot and we'd go there.Shower value = one weekend trip to Coral Gables
8. Sophia Loren – We’re pretty sure that on any list of sexy senior trim, Ms. Loren
would rank pretty highly, so her inclusion on this list is no doubt totally predictable. What one might be surprised to learn is that in September of this year she too will turn 75. Yessiree – one of Italy’s most bangable broads of all time will be clocking the three-quarter-century mark soon. And as with Barbara Eden, the editors don’t care how old she is, we’d shell out some major coin to get all sudsy with Sophia Loren.Shower value = one used Hyundai Sonata
7. Lauren H
utton – At just 65 years of age, the gap-toothed lovely and former supermodel remains as doable as ever. Frankly, we’d hit it like she stole something. Take one smoking hot starlet, add equal parts of liquid soap and hot water, mix, stir and drool. That’s our recipe for a perfect silver cocktail.Shower value = half of what remains in our battered 401K
6. Candace Bergen – It’s hard to believe this beauty will turn 63 in May, but it’s t
rue. Bergen’s is one of the truly beautiful faces of our time. Not one in a million human beings is born as stunning as she. Adding to that the fact that she’s extremely bright, funny, well adjusted and by all accounts a disarmingly decent person, well, it’s no wonder we’d get up off a bundle of ducats to lather her up. Honestly, as we type we wonder how it is that she’s not number one on this list, but then, there’s some stunning talent ahead of her.Shower value = one eternal soul (though not our own)
5. Sandy
Duncan – We know what you’re saying, we can hear you: “Dude – I wouldn’t have banged that wall-eyed Texan even before she got old!” Well neither would we, but the thing is, Sandy Duncan has gone and got herself all steamy hot over the decades. Who’d a thunk it? But trust us when we tell you that at 63, Sandy Duncan’s fine. As we say in the suburbs, she’s so fine, she’s PHINE! We’d tap it and so would you and don’t pretend otherwise.Shower value = second and third born (our own)
4. Morgan Fairchild – Of course Morgan Fairchild is on the list. We didn’t like Friends, but we do remember thinking while our girlfriend was watching it, “Damn I wish you’d go out with your own friends and Chandler’s mom would stop by.” With Morgan Fairchild and a shower, we’d do things they don’t have a name for.
Shower value = one condominium in Santa Monica
3. Debbie Harry – No way in hell we’re the only one’s who rubbed one out more than once
to an image of Blondie. Debbie Harry was and remains unnaturally sexy. If you’re a mammal and you don’t want to fuck Debbie Harry, shoot yourself. Even most straight women would pay a goodly bit to shower with her. She exudes sex and she exudes it from every one of her 63-year-old pores. We don’t really expect that Debbie Harry’s in the market to shower with commoners like us. We imagine she lives in some rock castle in some Mediterranean utopia where glistening, bronze, horse-cocked manservants tend to her like a goddess. But if that’s not the case, we’re available to do her bidding.Shower value = one arm and one leg
2. Seka – There was a time before the proliferation of consumer video technology when in order to view hard core pornography one had to either turn 18 or procure a passable fake ID, t
hen slip into some vile XXX theater down in the Gaslamp District and sit through many minutes of stupefying acting in order to watch a starlet take a meatsicle from some toad . . . and those were good times. Ah well do we remember the darling Seka and her three-holed capacity to ingest such monstrosities as the late John Holmes’ man hammer. At 54 Seka no longer works in front of the camera and we think that’s a shame. Incidentally, Seka exemplifies something we’ve long wondered about. Why are Muslim jihadists so gung ho about virgins? They die and they get 73 virgins. Why virgins? Who wants to spend eternity with a bevy of chirping little tits who don’t know how to fuck? You’d get a whole lot more suicide bombers willing to strap on a vest if they believed they could spend eternity with just one Seka.Shower value = one lovingly used soul (our own)
1. Chrissie Hyn
de – If you take her apart, piece by piece, and analyze the constituent bits of this Ohio rocker, Hynde, 58, turns out to be not all that aesthetically pleasing. The truth is that she proves the axiom that the whole is greater – in her case much greater – than the sum of its parts. Chrissie Hynde proves for once and for all that beautiful and sexy aren’t the same thing. For while there are much more beautiful women in the world, there’s nary a one sexier than Chrissie Hynde. The thought of a shower with Chrissie Hynde makes us willing to take back things we didn’t steal. We would not only shower with Chrissie Hynde, we would worship her. And unlike Seka and others on this list, Hynde isn't hanging up her axe any time soon. She continues to perform and record and thank all that’s decent she does because as we drift into the early autumn of our own lives she reminds us that if you’re not getting older, you’re dead. Chrissie Hynde ages like the finest of wines and we’d love to drink from her goblet.Shower value = all that remains hidden of Bernard Madoff’s billions
* * *
Top ten honorable mentions (age in parentheses): Dianne Keaton (64), Faye Dunaway (68), Joan Collins (75), Cybill Shepherd (59), Raquel Welch (68), Linda Evans (66), Jessica Lange (59), Charo (58), Shirley Jones (75), Madonna (50)
0 comments:
Post a Comment